


Oh fuck, I think I like girls

by Sloth_Onda



Category: ITZY (Band), TWICE (Band)
Genre: AU, Coming of Age, F/F, High School, Internalized Homophobia, Self-Acceptance, Self-Hatred, coming in terms with yourself, homophobic remarks, tw alcohol
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-26
Updated: 2020-12-30
Packaged: 2021-03-08 21:06:48
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 7,533
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27202912
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sloth_Onda/pseuds/Sloth_Onda
Summary: Lee Chaeryeong is suddenly thrown face first in multiple obstacles and turns in her life once she starts realizing that the reason why she gets embarrassed when her best friend takes her shirt off in front of her might not be just because she’s shy.And the fact that she goes to a catholic school does not help either...
Relationships: Hirai Momo/Kim Heechul, Hwang Yeji/Lee Chaeryeong, Kang Daniel/Park Jisoo | Jihyo, Lee Chaeryeong/Shin Ryujin
Comments: 3
Kudos: 65





	1. Chapter 1

She should’ve realized it sooner.

She wasn’t shy when she refused to shower after her swimming lessons together with the other girls. Instead, quickly changing from her tight swim suit to her normal clothes before anyone could see her inside the changing rooms and showering home instead.

The reason why she never had a crush to discuss with her fellow classmates wasn’t because she was focused on her studies and didn’t have time for boys and going on dates.

She didn’t feel jealous because the girl she sat in class with in elementary school went on a date with her than supposed ‘boyfriend’ at that time.

The fact that she always secretly watched her older sister’s best friend when she came over to hang out wasn’t because she really wanted to be friends with her, but was to timid to talk to her.

Chaeryeong could think of at least 10 other incidents that suggested that her interest was never really around the popular boys with gelled back hair and expensive watches that looked to big on them, but rather the the girls they were dating. 

Yet, the seventeen year old girl refused to admit it. She went over and under to explain to herself why she didn’t find the male lead in a new drama attractive and why her eyes kept drifting towards the lead actress. 

Instead of facing the reality she turned around and ran back to the comfortable familiarity of her perfect middle class catholic life. 

Chaeryeong was always the ‘perfect’ child. Her grades were above average, almost never falling from an A, her gpa sitting at 4.3, placing her in the top ten of her grade. She never went to parties, instead opting to work on her homework no matter how hard her older sister, Chaeyeon, tried to get her outside the house with her. Together with her family she attended church every Sunday and prayed diligently. 

Her life was as exiting as a piece of paper, or at least that was what Yeji always said. Yeji was Chaeryeong’s best friend, and only friend in fact. They met in the first year of high school and stayed close since. 

Speaking of Yeji, she was going to be here at any moment and Chaeryeong was freaking out. Somehow she agreed on coming with her to a party that their senior, Park Jihyo, was throwing. Yeji told her to wear something sexy, but you wouldn’t find a thing that you could describe like that in her closet even if you’d turn it upside down three times. 

Luckily, or not really for Chaeryeong, her sister decided to step in and let her borrow one of her skirts which would go well with her shirt. Chaeyeon tried to put her in a dress, but Chaeryeong almost passed out when she saw how short it was. 

“Cherry! Yeji is here!”

Her sister yelled from downstairs and soon enough the girl herself was standing in front of her. She had a short black dress on with lace, her light but prominent eyeshadow matched in color, bringing out the girl’s cat like eyes, a feature she liked to show off. 

“Oh come on Chaer, this doesn’t scream sexy at all!” Chaeryeong scoffed.

“You know I don’t do sexy, you should be glad I’m even going with you, so don’t make me regret it even more than I already do.”

Yeji just laughed at her, grabbing her arm and heading towards the car waiting outside. 

“Hey Jeongyeon, nice dress.”

The girl behind the steering wheel smiled at her and started the car, heading towards the already ongoing party a few streets away. Yeji wanted to arrive fashionably late and who was she to refuse.

—————

Chaeryeong hated this. The feeling of sweaty people around her made her want to throw up. Someone spilled their drink on her and she lost count of how many people stepped on her foot or bumped into her without apologizing. Yeji disappear the moment they walked inside the house, probably to find Felix, her current crush. This left Chaeryeong stranded in the middle of everything she hated. Alcohol, people, loud and obnoxious music and once again people, a huge crowd of them, in fact, and she felt like they were sucking up all her energy in a rapid pace. 

After what felt like hours to her, trying to push herself through sea of people that smelled like cheap alcohol, she managed to fight her way to bit quieter corner of the house with a open window that made it easier to breath, trying to recover from the nightmare she just went through. 

She stopped looking outside the window after witnessing a group throwing up session that included way to many people for her liking. Her new objective was to somehow survive the rest of the night clean and sober, one of those things already failed due to a lone red cup that flew at her from god know where a few minutes ago.

Luckily for her, she spotted a familliar face not to far away from her. Once she build up the courage to try and talk to the shorter girl, Chaeryeong actually found herself having a pleasant conversation with Choi Jisu, or Lia as she went by. They had a few classes together but she never talked to her before. However they bonded pretty quickly over their love for old Disney movies.

The conversation was rather short lived, as she was pulled away by already tipsy Yeji who dragged her towards a group of people she only knew by seeing them around school. 

Turns out they wanted to play truth or dare. But lacked a person so Yeji saved them by dragging poor Chaeryeong into it. 

She could recognize Jihyo herself and her boyfriend Daniel, Sana and Dahyun were sitting next to them, the infamous duo that almost everyone around school knew for their pranks and stunts to piss off the teachers and principal. There were a few unknown faces here and there, but a certain someone stood out from them. Shin Ryujin. She actually sat beside her younger sister Shin Yuna in Maths and Physics, but that wasn’t why she, and pretty much the whole school knew her. She was one of the only kids openly gay in the school, which would normally get you extremely bullied, like when someone saw Park Jimin kiss a guy and he had to leave due the amount of bulling he had to go through. But no one messed around with Ryujin, yes they talked about her behind her back, throwing insults left and right, but when they stood face to face with her that kept their mouth shut, because in the end they were scared of her. Together with Jeon Heejin, Ha Sooyoung and Son Hyejoo they created a clique of some sort that no one wanted to mess around with. Chaeryeong saw first hand what could happened if you pissed of Ryujin and trust her, it wasn’t pretty.

“Alright guys! We will spin this bottle and whoever it lands on will have to choose truth or dare! If they chicken out, they drink!”

And with that Jihyo spinned the empty soju bottle, starting the game that would once and for all change Chaeryeong’s life. If it was for the better or worse, she had yet to find out.


	2. Chapter 2

Chaeryeong somehow already knows this was a bad idea, she should’ve told Yeji that she doesn’t want to play with them, but the bottle was already spinning and her fate decided.

The bottle slowed down after a few seconds almost pointing at Chaeryeong before landing on a guy she never seen before who was sitting next to her. She quickly thanked god for helping her out and turned to Jihyo who was already asking.

“Truth or dare, Chanbin?” Ah, so that was his name.

“Uhhh truth.” The answer didn’t satisfy Jihyo as she scoffed and mumbled ‘pussy’ under her breath. Chaeryeong was quite sure everyone heard it.

“Hm, alright...if you had to make out with one of the teachers, and not just one kiss but tongue and everything, who would you choose?”

Chaeryeong chocked on nothing. Jihyo was way more of intense than she originally thought...

“Probably miss Lim...” ‘Really?’ Chaeryeong had to admit miss Lim was pretty but miss Bae was way better, she had fair skin and beautiful brown eyes that- wait what is she thinking about?!

Before she could realize what happened the bottle was spun again, forcing Chaeryeong to focus on the green piece of glass with peaces of white label still on it.

“Yeji! Truth or dare?” Yeji smirked and Chaeryeong already knew what she was going to say, as her best friend never backed out from a challenge and had the habit of always pushing too far.

“Dare!” Yep, how unexpected...

“I dare you to...sit on Felix’s lap for the rest of the game.” For some reason Chaeryeong felt something prickle in her heart. 

With heavy eyes she watched as Yeji sat on the boy’s lap with a radiant smile on her face. For some reason it didn’t sit well with her, her eyes kept tracing the way Yeji would snuggle to Felix, who looked more than happy about it, putting his arms around her waist. 

Chaeryeong couldn’t concentrate on the game for a while, her ears blocking out everything that wasn’t Yeji and Felix.

“Ohhhhhhh...Ryujin, truth or dare?”

This shook her from the trance she was in for the last few minutes. 

The bottle was pointing at Ryujin, who just stared at it before adverting her gaze to Daniel, who just asked her.

“Dare.” The smirk on Daniel’s face showed that this was just what he wanted.

“I dare you to kiss Jiwoo.” All eyes turned to a brown haired girl sitting across from Chaeryeong, who se assumed was Jiwoo by the look on her face. 

“Ewwww!” Someone shouted. “That so gross!” Some of the girls pretended to trow up while the boys started to shout how sexy some girl on girl action would be, Daniel being one of them.

“That’s literally so disgusting, only Ryujin is into that weird shit. Jiwoo isn’t a dyke anyways.”

For some reason, Chaeryeong felt uncomfortable, the word ‘dyke’ didn’t resonate well with her, her heart beat picking up quickly.

“Fuck you Jimin.” Ryujin responded, and Chaeryeong could hear the anger in her voice. 

Instead of backing down, Jimin just kept pushing it and Chaeryeong found herself short on breath as her palms got more and more sweaty.

“You will go to hell anyways you faggot!” Chaeryeong gasped. In under a second, Ryujin jumped up and slammed Jimmin to the ground before punching him in the face several times, trying to stay on top of him as he tried to push her away.

This was too much for her. The whole incident with Yeji and now this, Chaeryeong had to get out of there and fast. She ignored Yeji calling her, rushing towards the front door, pushing away people in her way. She knew this was a mistake. The only place she wanted to be at right now was at home with her two dogs who couldn’t judge her and loved her unconditionally.

—————

Chaeryeong couldn’t sleep. The memories of the night kept flashing back to her mind making her feel uneasy. She couldn’t understand why it was such a big deal, it was just a word, only a word.

‘Words can sometimes hurt the most.’ Her consciousness replied to her.

Chaeryeong’s brain was in overdrive, trying to reason out why she felt so affected by the word, as if it was aimed at her specifically. Every time the slightest thought about being somewhat gay herself appeared, it was shoved down deep by a panicked Chaeryeong that was starting to sweat even thinking about it.

“I need to drink something...” She mumbled to her self, using her thirst as a excuse to get distracted from the giant mental argument that had been going on inside her head for the past three hours.

Once she was back inside her room with a glass of cold water she couldn’t help but to think back to the party. Why did she felt so sad when Yeji sat down on Felix’s lap? Why did the word...uhm that word made her so uncomfortable? Why did she felt bad for Ryujin once she saw how angry she became once the...word came from Jimin’s mouth? And why did Ryujin looked almost...sad?

This whole thing was too complicated for Chaeryeong. All of these feelings were starting to appear seemingly out of nowhere, knocking her over every minute of the day, before laughing in her face. 

The screen of her phone lit up the room as she opened safari and started typing in the search bar.

‘How do you know you’re gay?’

She stared at it for what felt like hours before deleting it and throwing her phone to the other side of her room, wincing at the sound it made, she was convinced there was a crack on the screen now. 

“What am I doing...” Chaeryeong sighed and buried her head inside her pillow, screaming like a horror movie protagonist who was about to get ripped open with a saw. 

The room was filled with complete silence for a few moments before quiet shuffling could be heard from the bed, and about a minute later the, now cracked, phone screen lit up again.

If you’d be able to get close enough to the laying girl, you would see her shaking fingers filling out a ‘are you gay’ quiz, trying to convince her self she was just curious and it was for fun, but her hear was beating way to fast for it to be just ‘fun’.

By the end of the night she was convinced that if her parents saw her search history they would either pass out or kicked her out, or both.

And with the results she was getting, Chaeryeong never felt so scared before.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A shorter update today, sorry for that...

Chaeryeong usually hated Sundays. They were boring and she had piano class, which se absolutely hated. The weekly visits to church was probably the worst part of the dreaded day as she never really felt comfortable there. Maybe it was the hard wooden chairs that made her back feel like rock or the blatant, rather offensive, remarks she had to hear there every time. For some reason, this time it was a lot worse, or at least she felt like it. Chaeryeong was almost convinced it was the ‘I hate homosexuals’ day and everyone forgot to tell her. 

Every remark felt to her as a punch in the gut. Maybe she was just focusing on them more subconsciously because of her recent uhm...’discoveries’ about herself.

Once they left the church, she opened her phone, closing it almost immediately the second she saw that it was still on one of the websites she visited last night. The giant letters ‘You are so gay, Siyeon from Dreamcatcher would be proud!’ scared the crap out of her as a old lady was standing right next to her. Chaeryeong was luckily tall for her age and the grandma didn’t even reached her shoulders so there was no possibility of her seeing the obnoxious lettering of the quiz results that flashed in bright rainbow, accompanied with a photo of a black haired women she never saw before, presumably Siyeon from Dreamcatcher. 

Chaeryeong opted to put the phone back in her pocket and didn’t dare to open it intil she was in the safety of her room.

—————

“Cherry! Can you walk the dogs please?” Chaeyeon shouted from her room as she was walking past it.

“Why can’t you do it yourself?” She already knew the answer. Her sister would either use the ‘older sibling’ card or say something about her game being online, hence unable to stop.

“I’m playing with Sakura and Hyewon, you know I can’t pause an online game!” Looks like number one it is.

With a groan Chaeryeong accepted her faith and headed downstairs where two exited dogs were already waiting for her. She placed them bot on a leash, opening the door and saying she will be back soon to her mom who was currently focused on her drama.

—————

“Chaeryeong?”

The girl in question raised her head, putting in right back down when she saw Shin Ryujin in front of her.

‘Why the heck is she talking to meeeee!’ Several alarms went inside her head at once. Whenever Shin Ryujin approached you first, you probably messed up and would pay for it in a matter of seconds.

“You know I saw you right? Not looking at me won’t change that.” She heard the same voice again but closer to her. “...yes...” Chaeryeong was convinced she was the epitome of awkwardness and wanted nothing more then to disappear into thin air.

“Do you have problem with me or something?” Chaeryeong’s eyes widened. “No!” Ryujin seemed taken aback by her sudden outburst, raising her eyebrows as she looked her up and down. 

Chaeryeong was sweating bullets at this point. Her throat was dry and she struggled to look in Ryujin’s eyes. If the girl standing in front of her thinks that she has something against her, her school life would be over. She saw how Ryujin destroyed people’s lives just because they pissed her off or they talked bad about her. She couldn’t let that happen to her.

“Than what was that fiasco last night, huh?” Chaeryeong felt her breath stop for what felt like at least fifteen minutes. “L-last night?”

Ryujin scoffed at her. “Yeah, just as the talk about me being gay appeared, you booked it. Are you like homophobic or some shit?” 

‘She thinks I left because I felt uncomfortable with her being gay?!’ Chaeryeong sighed and buried her head in her hands.

“You have it all wrong, I’m not homophobic.” She muttered just enough for only Ryujin to hear. “Then why did you leave.....oh! You’re gay as well!” 

“No! I’m not! I-I...just, I just...” Chaeryeong kept trying to explain herself but couldn’t find the right words and kept stuttering. Ryujin was pretty sure at the moment. After all, she was like her a long time ago, refusing to admit she liked girls and insisting on being just ‘curious’ and nothing more.

“Look, I understand that it’s hard to admit it to yourself, but you don’t have to be scared, it’s completely normal. Here, if you ever want to talk to someone who knows what you’re going through.” Ryujin handed her a crumpled paper, her number written on it in messy handwriting.

“You keep your number on a paper with you?” Ryujin grinned, showing of her whisker like dimples under her eyes. “Of course, you never know when you need to give it to someone, especially a pretty girl like you.” Chaeryeong was red as a tomato. Ryujin shre knew how to make a girl blush. 

“Okay...thank you.” Ryujin smiled at her again, leaving her in the park with her dogs and a huge blush on her face, the piece of paper tightly clutched by her hand.


	4. Chapter 4

Chaeryeong stares at the piece of paper as if it had the answer to all questions that ever existed and will exist. This stare battle has been going on for almost an hour, and so far, she was loosing. 

“Gah!” Chaeryeong averts her eyes, accepting her defeat, groaning and trying to figure out why was it so hard to just text the girl that gave her the paper in the first place.

Her phone was clutched tightly on her hands as she opened it and looked at the already saved contact. She had nothing to be afraid of....

‘Hey!’ No, that sounds too exited...

‘Sup.’ Now it’s just boring...

‘Hello there Shin Ryujin.’ Oh Jesus, is she a lawyer or something?

‘Hey Ryujin, it’s Chaeryeong.’ Ok, this is something she could work with. Send! Now we wait...this is so stressful...

The staring contest with the paper was long forgotten as a new champion appeared in town, her phone.

“C’mon, c’mon...” Chaeryeong kept saying to herself as she stared holes through the black screen, waiting for a familiar ding that would light it up. 

After a few minutes, she gave up. Sitting on her bed, she left the phone on the desk. Just as she sat down on her Aladdin bedding, don’t laugh, it’s a great movie, her phone dinged. Chaeryeong sprung up, diving for the device. 

‘Hey.’

The girl groaned and rolled her eyes. “That’s it?” The disappointment in Chaeryeong's voice was apparent. it seemed that Ryujin was not a expressive person.

—————

Yeji was waiting for her in front if the school as always, as they had a some sort of unspoken rule that the one that got to school first would always wait for the other one in this spot, usually it was Chaeryeong, but due to the stuff happening in her life right now she felt a lot more tired. Her hair seemed to be newly died, a silver color with few highlights suited her and Chaeryeong felt her heart flutter. 

“Wow! It looks great on you.” Yeji smiled at her friend, twirling a piece of said hair with her fingers. “Felix said it would suit me.” The smile on Chaeryeong’s face faltered. “Oh...great!” The girl flinched at how forced it sound, but Yeji didn’t seem to notice anything, grabing her hand and leading her inside the school, unknowingly causing a slight blush on Chaeryeong’s face to appear.

“I have science first period, ugh!” Yeji complained while her best friend tried to control the butterflies in her stomach, failing horribly. 

“Good luck on that, I know how much you hate it.”

Yeji sighed, thanking her. If it wasn’t for her, both of them knew that the newly silver haired girl would be failing quite a few of her classes. 

“Well, see you at lunch.” Both if them parted, Chaeryeong heading to the English classroom that was farther away from them, hoping that this day was going to pass quickly.

—————

Well, her day certainly didn’t pass by quickly. 

Chaeryeong, was in detention. For the first time in her life the goody two shoes, miss perfect Lee herself, yes the one and only. Oh, and Ryujin was here as well. Just perfect.

If we want to know what happened we would have to go back in time, to the last period of that day.

***

Chaeryeong was sitting in the front of the class, as always, waiting for the teacher to arrive. It was her last class of the day and she just wanted to get it over with. History was usually one of her favorite subjects, but now it seemed like a hassle. 

“Did you hear? Hyunjin was caught kissing a guy!” Chaeryeong couldn’t help but overhear the conversation her seat mate was having with a friend. 

The other girl gasped, unnecessary loudly if you asked her. “Really?! That’s literally so disgusting!” Chaeryeong rolled her eyes deciding to not say anything.

“Right! I bet he’s a pedofile, all the gays are anyway.” Now this struck a nerve within her.

“Excuse me? Yes, I’m talking to you.” The two girls stared at Chaeryeong, looking a bit annoyed about having their discussion interrupted.

“Don’t you think it’s a bit rude to talk behind peoples back?” When none of them responded, she continued. “If you think it’s ok to assume such stuff about people just because of their sexuality, you are the only disgusting thing around here.”

The two girls stared at her, dumbfounded, before their faces contorted into anger. “What the fuck do you mean?! All gays are child molesters and disgusting pieces of shit, everyone knows that!” One of the girls yelled out, the second one follwing shortly. “And why do you care anyway, huh! Are you gay as well?!” 

Chaeryeong felt herself getting angrier by the second, the two girls wouldn’t stop yelling and it was starting to attract a lot of people.

“All faggots will go to hell anyway, you dyke!”

And the next moment the girl was laying on the floor, blood gushing from her nose like a waterfall. That word triggered something inside of her and she could stop herself from punching the girl right in the middle of her face. It required a lot of self control for Chaeryeong to not punch her one, or maybe two times more.

“Lee Chaeryeong! To the principals office immediately!” Crap, looks like Mr. Yoon saw everything.

***

Chaeryeong sighed. When she arrived at the detention, Ryujin was already there, seemingly sleeping. The chair she was sutting in screeched against the hard floor, Chaeryeong saw Ryujin stir a bit, before lifting her head and looking around, her eyes almost popped out of her head when she saw Chaeryeong sitting next to her.

“What are YOU doing here?!” She mumbled something quietly, embarrassed to say it out loud.

“What? I can’t hear you.” Chaeryeong groaned. “I punched someone...” There was pure silence for a moment, you would be able to hear a pin drop from a mile away.

“Bwahahahahah!” Ryujin bursted out laughing, trying to catch her breath and laughing again, Chaeryeong felt her ears go beat root red as she buried her head in her arms, almost in the same position as Ryujin when she walked inside the room.

“Y-you, punched someone?!” Ryujin managed to get out, still wheezing loudly. “Why?” 

“She was just saying rally mean stuff about...” Chaeryeong ended, stretching out the last word. “About what?” Her companion asked again, leaning towards her. “...about gay people.”

The silence reappeared again for a few seconds.

“You know what, I’m beginning to really like you Chaeryeong.”


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the short update, I have about five projects to do and it's honestly kinda killing me...Enjoy!

Chaeryeong was quite sure that the whole ‘finding myself’ journey was going a bit too fast. Just a week ago she was completely terrified about even thinking that she was gay or something even close to that. Now she found herself unconsciously checking out the new barista at her favourite coffee shop. For her defense she was really pretty, wait...that didn’t defend her at all. 

From the start of the day she slowly began to notice that her ‘gayness’ was alway there, quietly lurking in the shadows of her mind, waiting for the right moment to show itself, which just happened to be right now, with Yeji standing in front of her. 

“Yah! Chaeryeong-ah, are you even listening to me?” No, in fact she wasn't, for some reason her brain decided to focus only on the way her eyes sparkled in the sun like diamonds. 

“Uhm...sorry, what were you saying?” She needed to snap out of it, this was her best friend for Christ’s sake! “Felix and I decided to make it official!” Chaeryeong felt like the ground underneath her started to crumble. 

“W-what?” The smile on Yeji’s face began to slowly fade away. “Aren’t you happy for me? I mean, you’re my best friend, I thought you’d be more supportive.” 

“No!, I mean yes, I am happy for you! I just didn’t expect it.” Chaeryeong decided to just stop talking, she was sure that if she continued, the only thing she would do was kick the ladder under her own feet. 

“Okay, I guess.” 

Yeji didn’t look at her again that day and she knew she fucked up.

\------

“What’s with the long face Chaeryeong-ah?”

“I don’t have time for this Ryujin…” She was occupied with trying to figure out how she can apologize to Yeji. 

“What? Maybe I can help.” Chaeryeong was pretty desperate at this point, for some reason she couldn’t think of a single way to show Yeji she was sorry. 

“Okay...I need to apologize to Yeji and I don’t know how.” Ryujin scrunched up her eyebrows. “What did you do?...C’mon, I need to know so I can help you.” Chaeryeong sighed, she really didn’t want to reveal her, rather big, crush on Yeji. But when she looked at Ryujin she felt like she could share anything so she took a deep breath and for the first time said everything out loud. 

“Wow….I..” Chaeryeong was sweating bullets. The long silence that followed Ryujin’s exclamation made her extremely nervous.   
“I never expected the school’s top student to be a raging lesbian…”

“WHAT?” Chaeryeong was instantly on her feet, her face red as it can get. “I’m not..g..gay! It’s just a..a...FAZE, yes a faze!” 

Ryujin didn’t seem amused by the slightest. Her eyebrows were raised, eyes piercing her soul as if she knew her deepest secrets. Chaeryeong gave up, turning her eyes away from the older girl. 

“Look, I..I just need help with apologizing, I don’t need you to say...stuff like that.” She heard Ryujin sigh, and for a moment she felt bad but brushed it away quickly. 

“So will you help me or what?” Ryujin rolled her eyes at her, she DEFINITELY didn’t know why for the record. 

“Alright...just go to her and sincerely say your sorry, you have to show her that you really regret doing what you did, otherwise you will get nowhere. You need to be true to her, and most importantly to yourself.” 

And with that she left, leaving Chaeryeong with a heavy feeling that she couldn’t shake off for the rest of the day.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This will be a heavy one  
>  ⚠️homophobia warning⚠️

Chaeryeong was quite sure that the whole ‘finding myself’ journey was going a bit too fast. Just a week ago she was completely terrified about even thinking that she was gay or something even close to that. Now she found herself unconsciously checking out the new barista at her favourite coffee shop. For her defense she was really pretty, wait...that didn’t defend her at all. 

From the start of the day she slowly began to notice that her ‘gayness’ was alway there, quietly lurking in the shadows of her mind, waiting for the right moment to show itself, which just happened to be right now, with Yeji standing in front of her. 

“Yah! Chaeryeong-ah, are you even listening to me?” No, in fact she wasn't, for some reason her brain decided to focus only on the way her eyes sparkled in the sun like diamonds. 

“Uhm...sorry, what were you saying?” She needed to snap out of it, this was her best friend for Christ’s sake! “Felix and I decided to make it official!” Chaeryeong felt like the ground underneath her started to crumble. 

“W-what?” The smile on Yeji’s face began to slowly fade away. “Aren’t you happy for me? I mean, you’re my best friend, I thought you’d be more supportive.” 

“No!, I mean yes, I am happy for you! I just didn’t expect it.” Chaeryeong decided to just stop talking, she was sure that if she continued, the only thing she would do was kick the ladder under her own feet. 

“Okay, I guess.” 

Yeji didn’t look at her again that day and she knew she fucked up.

\------

“What’s with the long face Chaeryeong-ah?”

“I don’t have time for this Ryujin…” She was occupied with trying to figure out how she can apologize to Yeji. 

“What? Maybe I can help.” Chaeryeong was pretty desperate at this point, for some reason she couldn’t think of a single way to show Yeji she was sorry. 

“Okay...I need to apologize to Yeji and I don’t know how.” Ryujin scrunched up her eyebrows. “What did you do?...C’mon, I need to know so I can help you.” Chaeryeong sighed, she really didn’t want to reveal her, rather big, crush on Yeji. But when she looked at Ryujin she felt like she could share anything so she took a deep breath and for the first time said everything out loud. 

“Wow….I..” Chaeryeong was sweating bullets. The long silence that followed Ryujin’s exclamation made her extremely nervous.   
“I never expected the school’s top student to be a raging lesbian…”

“WHAT?” Chaeryeong was instantly on her feet, her face red as it can get. “I’m not..g..gay! It’s just a..a...FAZE, yes a faze!” 

Ryujin didn’t seem amused by the slightest. Her eyebrows were raised, eyes piercing her soul as if she knew her deepest secrets. Chaeryeong gave up, turning her eyes away from the older girl. 

“Look, I..I just need help with apologizing, I don’t need you to say...stuff like that.” She heard Ryujin sigh, and for a moment she felt bad but brushed it away quickly. 

“So will you help me or what?” Ryujin rolled her eyes at her, she DEFINITELY didn’t know why for the record. 

“Alright...just go to her and sincerely say your sorry, you have to show her that you really regret doing what you did, otherwise you will get nowhere. You need to be true to her, and most importantly to yourself.” 

And with that she left, leaving Chaeryeong with a heavy feeling that she couldn’t shake off for the rest of the day. 

—————

Chaeryeong was standing in front of Yeji’s door, nervously biting her lip, trying to gather the courage to knock on the door. 

Today was the day. After a lot of thinking, Chaeryeong decided to finally admit that she was...that she was gay. It was still a bit hard for her to say it out loud but she knew that if someone was going to have her back, it was going to be Yeji. 

“Yes? Oh Chaeryeong…what are you doing here?” Yeji’s mother asked her with a smile.

“Uhm...I want to talk with Yeji, can I go inside?” She asked, scratching her neck.

“Of course, come on in, she should be in her room.”

Each step made Chaeryeong a bit more nervous. She had to stay strong. Ryujin’s words echoed inside her head, giving her the last push she needed as she took the final step and opened the door to Yeji’s room.

“What mom- Chaeryeong?”

Said girl waved awkwardly. “Hey… I came to apologize and talk to you about something important. If you could just hear me out I’d be very thankful.”

She heard Yeji sigh. “Okay, fine.”

“Thank you so much...I’m sorry about the way I reacted when you told me you and Felix got together, I just wasn’t expecting it and it caught me off guard, plus...there has been something that was bothering me a lot and I couldn’t focus on anything else and it made me minda snappy towards everyone, I’m really sorry about that, it was never my intention to make you feel like I didn’t support you one hundred percent.”

There was a long pause after that Yeji was absorbing Chaeryeong’s words and Chaeryeong was trying to find the best way to tell her best friend what has been going on in her head the last few days if not weeks. 

“About the thing that kept bothering me...I wanted you to be the first one to know it as I trust you the most and I...I just hope you won’t judge me, so please think about it a bit before you say anything...okay?”

Chaeryeong could tell that Yeji was confused, her eyebrows were furrowed slightly and she looked at her with suspicion in her eyes. 

“Okay…” There was slight hesitation in her voice that made Chaeryeong even more nervous, but she couldn’t back up now, not after everything she did to get to this point. 

“I...I think, no, I am...gay.”

Yeji opened her mouth to say something, but Chaeryeong stopped her.

“I-I know it may be surprising, but just think about it for a while before you say anything, please Yeji.”

Chaeryeong could basically see the gears turning in Yeji’s head as she tried to comprehend everything that was thrown at her in such a short period of time.

“I-I didn’t expect this...I mean, you don’t have a crush on me or something right?”

The silence that followed her question made Yeji’s eyes pop open, her mouth hanging as she looked at Chaeryeong with such...disgust, that it almost made her throw up.

“I-I it's just a small crush! I…I completely respect your relationship with Felix and you don’t have to worry about me ever acting on my feelings, we can just keep being friends! Please Yeji…”

“Get out…”

Yeji said it so quietly that Chaeryeong almost didn’t hear it, but she did and she wasn’t sure what was better. 

When she didn’t move, Yeji repeated her words, this time loud and clear, Chaeryeong felt like she was dying.

“Get out! Get out of my house before I do something...I said get the fuck out!”

Yeji was screaming at this point, Chaeryeong trembled as she tried to talk to her.

“Yeji, please...I-“

“GET OUT!”

Yeji stood up and pushed Chaeryeong outside,  
“Never talk to me again, until you fix yourself.”, slamming the door in front of her face.

Chaeryeong felt the tears build up inside her eyes, she suppressed them, refusing to cry. She stood up, her knees were trembling as if they were about to give up on her any moment. She ran down the stairs and out of the house, she didn’t stop running until she reached the park. The sky was beginning to darken, hues of orange and red highlighting the trees, Chaeryeong couldn’t see it, everything seemed so incredibly dull and grey to her. 

With shaking hands she took out her phone, tears she finally let free blurring her vision, before falling onto the bright display.

The phone started ringing as she placed it next to her ear, hoping they would pick up. 

“Hello?” A quiet voice could be heard.

“C-can you *sniffle* please c-come to t-the park?”

A short curse echoed in her ear, a beeping noise following, leaving Chaeryeong in silence again, only her sniffles filling the emptiness around her.

Loud footstep brought her from her trance, a panting silhouette stood in front of her.

“Ryujin-ah…”

That was all it took for the short haired girl to embrace her in a warm hug, tears damping her sweater as she let Chaeryeong cry into her   
shoulder.

This day definitely wasn’t like what she planned.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Take this as a late Christmas gift and a early new year’s celebration

Chaeryeong realizes she’s a bit different when nobody shows up at her birthday party. She’s left sitting alone at the prepared table with at least twenty plates that look awfully sad when she looks at them. She can feel her parents staring at her through the backyard window and she almost starts to cry, her fourteen year old self not being able to handle the embarrassment, but then, almost like a savior a smiling girl appears in the doorway, holding a present in her arms. Her cat-like eyes sparkle and Chaeryeong doesn’t want to cry anymore. 

And it never changes. 

Yeji is the only person who shows up at her birthday celebrations and becomes the only invited person after a while. Chaeryeong is ok with that, Yeji is the only person she needs.

So what if she never made another friend? Her parents' attempts on making her socialize were long abandoned as she continued to tell them she didn’t feel the need to make friends if she had Yeji.

She was starting to regret her decision of relying only on Yeji when she once again lived through the feeling of being alone on her birthday, but this time, there was no Yeji to walk through the door with a smile on her face, waving her present around. Chaeryeong couldn’t help but hope she would, unconsciously staring at the door and waiting for...anything to happen. 

Chaeryeong felt the need to cry again. If everything continued like this, it would be the saddest birthday she ever experienced. She just wanted to curl up in her bed and cry with a movie as background noise so she wouldn’t hear herself. But the want to show Yeji she didn’t need her was just the slightest bit stronger. 

—————————————————————

How she ended up with Ryujin was a long story, ok, maybe not so long but we don’t have to get into the fact that aside from Yeji, she was the only person in her contact list that wasn’t family. 

“I was really worried for you last week…” Huh, ao it was already a week of Yeji completely ignoring her. If Chaeryeong had to be honest, it felt like so much longer.

“Yeah, but I’m fine now...kinda...not really...but I will be...right?” Ryujin only sighed as she continued to eat her ice cream, pistachio flavor, disgusting.

“I still don’t understand how you can like pistachio ice cream, it's so bad!” Chaeryeong shared her ,rather strong, opinion on Ryujin’s ice cream.

“Says the one earing vanilla, the most basic ice cream out there.” Chaeryeong scoffed.

“Vanilla is delicious, you can never go wrong with the classic!” It was Ryujin’s turn to scoff as she muttered something about Chaeryeong sounding like a grandma named Judy, which earned her a slap on her shoulder. 

“By the way, I really like the hair, don’t think I mentioned it yet.” Chaeryeong said, pointing at Ryujin’s hair, that was now the shortest she had seen so far, dyed almost platinum blonde. 

“Oh, thanks, gave my mom a scare when she first saw it, but she likes it now.” Ryujin smiled, brushing her hair with her hand. (Chaeryeong blushed at that but she would never admit it if you asked her)

“Can’t believe your parents are ok with it, one time I dyed a strand of my hair purple in middle school and my parents flipped out, I think I wasn’t allowed to watch the TV for a month after that…”  
She heard her companion whistle at that.

“Your folks are quite strict aren’t they?” Chaeryeong could only nod at that sighing a bit.

“My older sister had a bit of a ‘rebel faze’ when we were growing up so I think it made them even more protective of me to make sure it didn’t happen again…”

Ryujin laughed at that, explaining how she couldn’t imagine Chaeyeon being a rebel which resulted in a lengthy conversation about her sister's acts of rebellion in her teenage years. Chaeryeong even showed her a picture of Chaeyeon when she dyed her hair bright pink, the dye washed out in less then a week, but Chaeryeong had plenty of photos saved for the purpose of teasing her sister afterwards. 

The topic somehow shifts from hair dyeing to tattoos and Ryujin shows her a small flower tattoo on her hip. 

“I want to get another one, but a big proper tattoo you know? I already picked out the design and everything. It will be a big dragon on my back, my mom promised to give it to me as a birthday gift this year so I only have about two months left.” Chaeryeong watched in awe and Ryujin showed her the picture on her phone.

“That’s so cool, my parents would probably lose it if I even brought up the idea of getting a tattoo.”  
Ryujin turned her phone back off and faced Chaeryeong. 

“If you could get one, I mean a tattoo, what would it be?” That was an easy question, Chaeryeong thought quite a bit about this, she secretly imagined herself getting a tattoo since she saw a girl on instagram when she was sixteen. 

“I want to have flowers, almost like a garden you know? Spider lilies, daisies, sunflowers, you name it. I would probably get a spider lily first, it symbolizes departure and guides the dead to peace.”

“Looks like you thought about this a lot.” Ryujin says and Chaeryeong smiles at her. 

“A bit, yeah, but I can only dream, I feel like I would be scared to get one anyway, I really hate needles.” Ryujin nodded and the peaceful sounds of the park surrounded them for a while as they just sat there, ice cream long gone, staring down the hill. 

Chaeryeong could make out the college campus that looked so small and tiny it made her smile, it looked like she could just squish it in between her fingers if she wanted to, yet it put such a pressure on her every day that she felt like Sisyphus, always working and trying her best only to start at the bottom every year. 

Just five streets away from that was Yeji’s house. It looked like a small square that belonged to a lego set, yet she couldn’t look at it for too long, almost as if it burned her eyes. She wondered what Yeji was doing. Was she thinking about her? Trying to figure out a way to apologize? 

Who was she kidding she was probably with Felix, talking to him about how Chaeryeong was a disgusting dyke or something, but for some reason she couldn’t bring herself to care, maybe it was the peaceful atmosphere she was in, or maybe it was Ryujin’s hand that somehow made its way on top of hers, comforting her and showing her she was there for her.

And this time, Chaeryeong wasn’t afraid to admit that she liked it.


End file.
